College with Confidence and Beyond

Maureen P. Tillman, L.C.S.W.

College

What College Students Sometimes Keep From Their Parents

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Last year, the American College Health Association conducted an anonymous survey of over 26,000 college students in 40 colleges to evaluate their health and behavior. The concerns of many health professionals were borne out in the data: when mental health suffers, so does schoolwork. Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties and depression are among the leading factors that wreak havoc on academic performance.

Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties and depression are among the leading factors that wreak havoc on academic performance.

Parents do not always know when their college students are suffering

I’ve spent eighteen years counseling students in distress who end up leaving college and returning home in search of stability and support. I often hear their parents say:

“After he told me how depressed he was, I felt so guilty; I wish I had gone up to visit more.”

“$60,000 later, we had no idea she wasn’t going to classes.”

“We had no idea how depressed she was until she told us she was suicidal.”

“He always got his work done in high school. We were shocked to hear that he wasn’t going to classes. How could this have happened?”

“We didn’t know the depth of the issues until we found out he was on academic probation.”

When the students begin therapy with me, they often discuss how isolated they felt during their struggles at college. These feelings can lead to clinical depression, which can be very dangerous.

Why don’t students tell their parents when they are sinking emotionally and academically?

Surprisingly, even though the quality of the parent-teen relationship is often strong, the students’ sensitivities can get in the way of sharing their challenges.

Deb Cohen, a seasoned psychotherapist at the University of Delaware counseling center said, “It is rarely about lack of closeness. Many students don’t tell parents because they care about them worrying about them, also sometimes about judgment…will they think less of me?”

My experience with students bears that out. A local sophomore who returned home with depression and severe anxiety told me, “I could never disappoint my parents since they are supporting me with this great opportunity.”

Ironically, one of the biggest reasons students don’t share their difficulties is that their parents have always expressed pride in their accomplishments.

“They are afraid of losing that pride, and they can’t cope with the possibility that their parents may be disappointed,” Cohen said. Sometimes students don’t want to add to issues they feel their parents are already having at home, such as marriage, health, employment or other mental health issues in the family.

“It’s not that uncommon for mental health problems to run in families, and when one kid is struggling, a sibling can pick up directly or indirectly from parents how relieved and proud they are that they are doing better,” Cohen explained.

“And sometimes they feel like their unhappiness isn’t very important compared with the more profound problems a sibling has.”

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Downward spiraling can happen during the college transition

The reality is that the academic life and emotional life often become glued together. The worse students perform academically, the more anxious and depressed they can feel. The more anxious and depressed they feel, the deeper they can sink in academics. Or the social part of the experience may lead to depression and anxiety and this in turn may affect academics. In any case, it can be a spiral that is hard to face and climb out of without psychological guidance and academic support.

In addition, there is often stigma, embarrassment, and shame associated with emotional problems and academic failure that can accelerate the spiraling, particularly if students are too embarrassed to seek help. Some may not have historically talked with their parents about personal challenges.

They may have managed well themselves and/or sought advice and support from friends and others in their lives. Reaching out to parents when struggles arise at college may feel uncomfortable.

Even for students who communicated with their parents when living at home, it is so easy to “hide” from parents while away at college, not answering the phone or texting without revealing how they are doing. The longer the student hides, the more difficult it becomes to communicate with their parents.

How can parents help prevent or minimize the effects of spiraling?

  1. Help your children have realistic expectations about the college experience, including the challenges they may face.
  2. Become more informed through reading books written about the college experience and discussing their own transition to college with current college students can be helpful to  teens and their parents.
  3. Normalize mental health issues, discussing anxiety, and depression, and learning about the professional resources that are available at the college they are attending.
  4. Share challenges you had at college and how you worked through them.
  5. Identify obstacles your teen has faced and how your teen was able to overcome them.
  6. Discuss the importance of resiliency and talk openly about the inevitability of bumps in the road.
  7. Learn about the difference between academic life in high school and college and become more realistic about what skills and demands are involved.
  8. Reinforce MANY TIMES they can come to you about anything and you will listen and help them figure out solutions.

If you have a history of difficulty talking about emotional issues then it is crucial to begin a different style of communication this summer before they leave. Practice on issues that don’t have a huge impact, like concerns they might have about living with a roommate or which classes to choose, and always express confidence that they are capable of figuring it out.

Cohen also says parents and students need to understand that an A or B in college may reflect different things at different colleges and very different things from some high school classes.

It’s not always easy but parents need to listen without judgment, being careful about not saying anything  that make their student feel criticized. Try to stay calm and take a breather for yourself before you start the conversation.

If they have had support in high school, definitely replicate it in their freshman year.

A student’s fantasy of starting over, being a different person and no longer requiring extra support needs to be dealt with realistically. Explore counseling, tutoring, and coaching services together before beginning college if these were part of their high school experience.

Encouraging discussion on all these topics and becoming knowledgeable about college resources can make all the difference in the emotional, social, and academic transition.

The Jed foundation has a variety of excellent online resources, check out Set to Go, their transition guide.

For more information check out my post on the Huffington Post, and The College Corner FB page.

Original Article Published at GrownandFlown.com

Thanksgiving Break: Full of Emotions, Expectations, and Changes!

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Open conversations about the holiday weekend, campus adjustment, and upcoming winter break can be valuable for the emerging adult and family.

Welcome to our special section, Thrive on Campus, devoted to covering the urgent issue of mental health among college and university students from all angles. If you are a college student, we invite you to apply to be an Editor-at-Large, or to simply contribute (please tag your pieces ThriveOnCampus). We welcome faculty, clinicians, and graduates to contribute as well. Read more here.

You can feel it. The excitement is in the air. Thanksgiving break is coming!  It’s the first long weekend of the college calendar when most students come home, especially freshman.

 “I am so excited to go home for Thanksgiving break,” said a Syracuse University freshman. “Not that I don’t love my school or my program but it has really been a while since I’ve been home, seen my dogs and enjoyed the natural dynamic of my family.”

Thanksgiving weekend conversations can give parents a sense of whether their college student has found his or her niche. The break is a good time to discuss possible transfers, and what to do on winter break.

This can be a highly emotional time for freshman. Their relationships with hometown friends and family are changing, and they arrive back nostalgic for the creature comforts they miss from home, and unsure how their experience of college will compare with their peers.  Plus,this tends to be one of the most intense times of the semester as projects are due and final exams draw near.

Often, parents are looking to spending precious time with their teen and talking to them about their year so far, while the freshman are focused on spending time with their friends.

A parent of two students at University of Texas learned a lot over the years since her first one started there:  “Since I’ve had a child in college for a few years, I’ve learned to lower my expectations for Thanksgiving. Neither my eldest (a senior) nor my youngest (a freshman) has been home this semester and I know that while they’ll be happy to see us, they will probably spend as much time as they can with their friends. And when they’re not doing that, they’re likely to be catching up on sleep.”

 Here are some insights on how to navigate expectations and rules in your household, as yours and theirs are often not lined up.

Students who have been enjoying their freedom, making decisions without the watchful eye of parents do not want to be treated like children anymore.  A freshman from Wesleyan University told me, “I love the independence of being a college student, and really being the sole person in charge of my life.”  She continued, “I feel as though I am now less of my “parents’ daughter” and more of my own person.” 

There’s often a contrast between how the college student and parents define adult behavior; the late hours partying and visiting, dishes in the sink, clothes sprawled through the house and sleeping in until the afternoon do not feel adult to the parents. 

And of course it’s difficult for the parents to return to worrying about a teen who has the car until the wee hours.

The U.T. parent:  “I can’t wait to have them both back home, but one thing I’m not looking forward to is their late nights out. I won’t wait up (because that bugs them) but I probably won’t really sleep until everyone is back home and in for the night.”

Dr. Margaret Brady-Amoon, Associate Professor, Department of Professional Psychology and Family Therapy at Seton Hall University, emphasized the importance of “respectful communication” as the family roles start changing. Discussing expectations of the visit, including those rules of the household which are non-negotiable, is extremely helpful to having a successful visit.  Often, compromises can be found through conversations about other aspects of the visit.

Many parents find their feelings are hurt by the lack of time they get to spend with their freshman on Thanksgiving break.

A mom, whose freshman son will be coming home from S.U.N.Y. Binghamton, says that her son has always been very respectful.  They have talked about some of his expectations, including shopping for more winter clothes, seeing his high school friends, and his mom making him schnitzel. She is very excited to see him, as he is,“miserably missed” by she and her husband.

The U.T. parent shares: ”We now know to talk about expectations and about what our plans are ahead of time. That way they can plan around the big dinner and any family events. But we also don’t plan too much…”

Transfer conversations

Thanksgiving break is a good time to discuss possible transfers. Sometimes, discussing transferring is a good barometer of a freshman’s adjustment process.

Young men can be less communicative than young women-this may be the first time since Parents Weekend that parents are hearing and seeing how their sons are doing.

Deb Cohen Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Delaware Counseling center shared: “For some freshmen, thoughts of Thanksgiving break have kept them going through the difficult weeks of trying to adjust to college.  They may come home eager to talk with you about their desire to transfer.  Alternatively, they may feel so stressed they can’t manage to make transfer plans now.  Follow their lead as much as you can, but do help them to keep application deadlines in mind.”

Freshmen tend to gauge their comfort and happiness at college against their friends from high school. Some freshmen have happily found their way at college, which of course is a great relief to parents. However, others have fluctuating levels of contentment.

If transferring comes up:

  • Be supportive by hearing about their experiences and how they have tried to help themselves.
  • Listen. Don’t jump in and criticize or give strong advice.
  • Sometimes they need to release a lot of feelings that they have been holding in, and they may feel better after talking to you about it. 
  • Ask how they think you could help them find their way.
  • It’s crucial to understand that the amount of time varies for students to feel at home on the college terrain.
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Some students feel like a failure, thinking they made the wrong decision. In general, students of this generation have been raised with routine instant gratification. It can take a combination of persistence and patience, coupled with lonely times, to find their niche and nurture new friendships. The Wesleyan student recognizes this struggle: “I will admit that it has been a bit difficult socially finding ‘my people’ on campus. There are just so many people and so many things to do that it can be hard finding groups of people immediately. I know it takes time though, so I’m not too stressed.”

Loneliness is a very common experience in any transition. Please share my Thrive on Campus  article with your student.

As Harlan Cohen writes in his popular book, The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College:

Know why you’re transferring. Otherwise you might just transfer the problem to another campus because the problem might just be you.

The decision to leave college may initially seem to be about distance or separation issues, however for some students other factors may be more central.

Present the idea of revisiting the transfer conversation during winter break. One important thing to know about transferring is that academic success will give them better options. Gently encourage your teen to continue working on finding his or her way, and getting involved in activities they enjoy.

What to do over your winter vacation

Speaking of winter break, now is the time to talk about it.

Students go back to a ton of work in December, and then they find winter break has arrived and they have no plans. December is a particularly bad time to discuss with them via phone calls, texts, and e-mails because the students have so much academic work to focus on.

Communicate openly about the expectations for winter break on both sides in advance:

  • How would they like to spend the time?
  • What will work for you and work for them?
  • Brainstorm together. Let your student come up with a plan that they are invested in whether it is by connecting with their previous employer, a favorite professor, alumni, friends or by networking.

Winter break is a terrific opportunity to explore experiences that will help build strengths, choose a major, aid in career direction or earn money. This can be achieved via many different avenues.

One is “shadowing” people who work in different careers to explore strengths, interests and careers.

They can also plant seeds for next summer’s job or internship.

They might also be happy to return to a high school job and earn some extra money over the break.

Original Article Published at ThriveGlobal.com

Tips for Parents With College-Bound Teens

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Sending your teen off to college for the first time is a significant milestone for the entire family.

Welcome to our special section, Thrive on Campus, devoted to covering the urgent issue of mental health among college and university students from all angles. If you are a college student, we invite you to apply to be an Editor-at-Large, or to simply contribute (please tag your pieces ThriveOnCampus). We welcome faculty, clinicians, and graduates to contribute as well. Read more here.

In addition to preparing them for the responsibilities that come with college and independence, parents should discuss how to manage distractions as well as expectations.

Sure, there are indicators of success. However, many young adults who are expected to excel, fail miserably when they run into the many stressors that occur in college settings.

College students who are accustomed to frequent monitoring at home are overwhelmed when they get on campus and often don’t seek help until it’s too late. What’s more, parents and their teenagers don’t always focus on sharpening the emotional skills that will serve them well in their new environment.

Teens starting college need to develop self-awareness and what it takes for them to succeed in life — academically, emotionally, and socially — and how to make that happen.
How do parents begin this process?

Evaluate how much monitoring and support your teen has from you and other adults.

  • For example, are they getting themselves ready for school daily, or are you? That is, do you wake them up, do their laundry, run their errands, make their appointments?
  • Are you filling out their college applications and financial aid forms?
  • Do they have tutors, therapists or a disability?
  • Do they spend most of their time with a support team in school?
  • Are you primarily responsible for making sure they are meeting their responsibilities? Deadlines?
  • Are you constantly reminding or monitoring their time and activities?
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Find time to talk to them.

  • Tell them that starting college can be a major adjustment and for them to be ready they need to begin taking responsibility for their own obligations.
  • Tell them what they will need to foster their own independence. Brainstorm with your teen on what they can begin doing for themselves that they are used to you doing for them.
  • Discuss creating a new support team on campus that mirrors the support they feel they are presently receiving.
  • Ask if they have any worries or concerns about going off to college. Listen to their concerns, brainstorm for solutions, obtain information. Talk to a professional in the field now when they are still in your “orbit.”
  • Get the facts. For resources on challenges at college as well as a successful transition, visit collegewithconfidence.com

Lastly, parents need to normalize their teens’ feelings while keeping abreast of changes in sleeping habits, appetites, level of energy, concentration, mood, socialization, and substance use. If they’re living on campus, get the phone numbers of their roommate as well as the resident advisor. Above all, trust your gut reaction and consult a mental health professional on campus or someone you trust locally when you sense problems.

Originally published at socialworkers.org and ThriveGlobal.com

Loneliness is just part of the transition! How to cope with it

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I spent two lovely hours having breakfast this summer with Emery Bergmann, whose four-minute video about her loneliness at college made for a media class at Cornell University in October, 2017 went viral.

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We discussed how loneliness and alienation is normal in any big transition, and that you can best move through it by first recognizing what it is, then, try to be patient, reach out, and find what fits you in your new environment. The close relationships you had during high school probably took years to develop, as well as the comfort of the home base where you returned every day. Teachers, coaches, and counselors knew you there. Emery felt deeply connected to her home community of Montclair, in a way she realized more after she left. Freshman year is all very new and different, and for some, this takes time!

Trying new things can feel rocky or lonely sometimes. It’s easy for parents to say, but making these leaps often takes courage. Emery shared her journey: “I took classes I had never heard of before and attended meetings for random clubs. I even joined Greek life, something I used to be vehemently against. Sometimes I met fascinating people, and sometimes I felt very out of place. I learned to judge less and internalize every experience in terms of where I felt welcome and where I did not! I met so many new people, all who bring a special something into my life.”

In my psychotherapy practice, I have been teaching parents and college students about loneliness with parents and college students for many years, and was so grateful that Emery got the word out in a way that people of all ages and backgrounds, experiencing a variety of transitions, could relate to. Bravo Emery!

Here it is!

Students from all over the country reached out to Emery and thanked her for making them feel less alone. This outpouring was clear evidence of how important it was for people to be able to share their experiences of isolation on college campuses.

“Social media was a toxic influence on my school experience. Because people often posted only the most exciting parts of their college lives, I was under the impression that college was a non-stop party for everyone but me. Social media became a platform for comparison. I was continually devaluing my own experiences because they seemed less interesting than the things my peers posted on their feeds,” Emery said.

It was extremely helpful for Emery when friends who she assumed were enjoying school reached out to her after viewing her video and explained they felt just as isolated.

Some statistics: A 2017 survey of nearly 48,000 college students, by the American College Health Association found that 64% students said they had felt ‘very lonely” in the previous 12 months, while only 19% reported that they never felt alone or lonely.

Another 2017 study of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine concluded that the more that students are tied to social media, the more isolated they feel, a theory is that their frequent checkins with social media replaced social interaction. Also that the posts depicted peers leading happier and more successful lives.        

Emery, one year after her video went viral, discussed her insights in The New York Times article: “Advice from a formerly lonely college student,” “Advice from a formerly lonely college student,”

When we spoke, Emery pointed out the three things that helped her the most: 

“The three things that kept me afloat my freshman year were keeping in touch with my family and friends, ignoring social media, and trying new things”.

I was particularly interested in hearing more about her relationship with social media, knowing that it is such an important part of many young adults’ experience.

“I limited my time on social media and learned to take every post with a grain of salt. People usually only post the parts of their lives that are fun – social media is not built to show the time between those photo-worthy moments.”

Insights to share with your transitioning college student:

Do not only talk about college as “the best years of my life!” For many students, it is a mixture of emotions and experiences, and takes time to feel at home there. It would be more helpful to share challenging times you had at college and how you worked through them. Also discuss how your teen has transitioned in their lives before, whether it be middle school to high school, or a summer camp or summer program. If loneliness seemed to be a part of it, then talk about that.

Discuss that social media is full of embellishment, that others are posting just happy moments and events. See how you feel with less usage.

Take care of yourself, being mindful to have adequate sleep, regular exercise, and healthy food. Do not turn to alcohol or drugs as the answer to loneliness.

Get out there and get involved in things that you enjoy or have been curious about. You may feel lonely while doing it but eventually it will make a difference.

Parents, listen during these conversations, it is important for your teen to be able to openly express these vulnerable feelings to a trusted person. Do your best not to jump in with solutions about all the ways they can make friends. See what your teen comes up with.

Check out the Jed foundation:  http://www.halfofus.com/overcoming-loneliness

6 Steps To Finding The Right College Fit

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Maureen was featured in this article published by: Your Teen For Parents, written By Randi Mazzella.

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Deciding where to apply to college can feel stressful and confusing. With so many great options, how can students find the right one?

1. Getting Started

Martha O’Connell, Executive Director of Colleges That Change Lives, says, “Students should begin their search by examining themselves and their reasons for going to college.” O‘Connell suggests students honestly assess themselves to determine what their strengths, weaknesses and abilities are and what kind of learning community they want to be a part of.

Aaron Greene, founder of College Liftoff, says there are four main criteria that students need to examine when assessing a college: academic reputation, career development reputation, financial considerations and whether the school is a good fit.

Greene cautions students not to let one component overshadow the other three. “Sometimes students fall immediately in love with a school, and the fit is good.

But, if it does not meet a student’s financial needs, it is probably not the right choice.”

2. Evaluating Schools

Students and parents should approach a college search the same way they would approach buying a home.

Greene says, “Students need to do their research and not be afraid to ask tough questions, such as ‘What kind of internships are offered?’ and ‘What are the job placement statistics?’ Don’t rely on a school’s reputation alone. A school may offer many majors but only really excel in some of them.”

The school’s location, size and student life are also important factors to consider.

3. Keeping Options Open

College admissions can seem random, and sometimes, even an ideal candidate for a particular school will not get accepted.

Maureen Tillman, LCSW, psychotherapist in New Jersey
Maureen Tillman, LCSW

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Maureen Tillman, psychotherapist and founder of College with Confidence, advises parents, “Never talk about one school as perfect during this process. Look at each school your child is applying to and explore all the positives (as well as negatives), helping them to see that there is not just one school for them.”

4. Visiting Colleges

College visits are a key part of determining whether a school is a good match. School-sponsored tours are good, but only as a starting point.

“Don’t be afraid to go off the beaten path and walk around on your own, unsupervised and unchaperoned. It’s important to take the time to get a feel for the campus and its culture or personality,” says Robin Mamet, co-author of College Admission: From Application to Acceptance, Step by Step.

Keep an open mind on college visits. Ally Weissenberg, a high school senior, initially thought she wanted to attend a very big university. But on her tour, the school felt impersonal, and she felt lost. She discussed her feelings with her counselor, who suggested a smaller school.

“When I visited Tulane University, I liked the smaller size,” Weissenberg says. “The students looked happy, and the campus seemed friendly and welcoming. Walking around, I could picture myself being friends with the students I saw.”

5. Keeping the Rankings in Check

Many students and parents feel pressured to pick a school based on prestige and rankings. Rebecca Bergman, a high school senior, says, “College rankings definitely played a role in my decision making. I applied early decision to an Ivy League school because I felt I should reach a little higher. But, that school was more of a city school and not what I really wanted. Luckily, I was not accepted and will be attending my true first choice school in the fall.”

Bergman’s feelings are not uncommon. O’Connell, says, “We live in a brand-name society. Many parents want to ride around town with a certain college bumper sticker. But, choosing a college because of where it ranks on a list does not take into account who you are and who you want to become.”

6. Making it Work

“I wish that students would approach the college search with a greater appreciation for the long view of education,” O’Connell says. “It is not about the race to the end, but instead what you learn from each step in the journey to get there.”

Regardless of what school a student winds up attending, it is up to them to make their college experience the best it can be. Tillman says, “As with all things in life, in the end, it is what you make of the opportunity.”

 

College Transition – Helping Your Graduate Make a Smooth Transition to College

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Maureen was featured in an article on Helping Your Graduate Make a Smooth Transition to College, written by  

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High school seniors are going to Prom, taking finals and getting ready to put on robes and caps to graduate. Soon after that, many will be packing their suitcases and getting ready to leave their homes for college. For most, it will begin a period of “firsts.” The first time on their own, the first time having a roommate, and (Gulp!) their first kegger. It can be scary and even scarier for parents.

Maureen P. Tillman, L.C.S.W., is the founder and director of College with Confidence, a comprehensive psychotherapy service, with offices in Maplewood and Morristown, that supports parents and young adults through the college experience. We recently spoke to her to get some advice for parents of soon to be graduates.

Barista Kids: Maureen, it’s graduation time!  Many parents are thinking about the upcoming transition to college. What are some ways parents can help their high school graduates before they launch?
Maureen Tillman: I would say keep it real.  Transitioning to college is not a magical experience.  It can be very challenging. Parents need to send the message to their kids that this is normal and that it’s important for to honestly communicate if they find themselves struggling.  When college students start sinking, they often feel that they can pull themselves up, and feel too ashamed to tell their parents about academic and personal problems (which often get glued together).

During the last two months before the launch, insist that he or she take care of everything that you might normally do:  making and keeping appointments, picking up medications, doing laundry, or making calls about college issues, no matter how busy you think they are!  If they struggle, role-play the situations. Talk realistically about any issues they are facing, whether it’s stress, anxiety, depression, or social anxiety, and about how they can help themselves at college. If they are being treated for any medical or psychiatric disorder or have learning disabilities, work on understanding all dimensions of the challenge and how to self-advocate. This can be difficult if your teen and you have trouble communicating or they brush you off.

If your son or daughter’s behavior concerns you, consult a mental health professional.

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BK: I understand that the service you created, College with Confidence, is a suicide prevention program.  What does that mean?
MT: Beginning ten years ago, an increasing number of college students who needed to leave college because of emotional issues, including suicidal attempts, have contacted me for counseling. Their parents were often confused by what had happened.  College students can sink into a depression very quickly and are at risk of committing suicide. My commitment to suicide prevention and expertise in transition preparation merged, and I created College with Confidence, a proactive counseling and consulting service for students, parents, physicians, schools, mental health providers, and college advisors.

BK: Why is going to college considered a transition that puts students at risk?
MT: In the blink of an eye, students no longer have the benefit of watchful parents, teachers, good friends and community ties. Many try to stop using the medications and supports they had at home. The experiences students have with roommates, teachers, advisors, and social environments differ tremendously. Also this is the age when a number of psychiatric disorders surface.

BK: How do you help students prepare for college in your practice?
MT: I am a psychotherapist with 35 years of experience, so I treat a range of concerns and diagnoses, the most common being anxiety, depression, stress, bi-polar disorder, and social anxiety.  Using a supportive and interactive style, I give students a range of effective coping tools, including cognitive-behavioral skills and mindfulness tools. I work collaboratively with college advisors, tutors, and essay coaches.  When college is about six months away, we plan ahead by setting up supports on campus. I follow through when they are on campus, by phone, Skype and sessions on their breaks.

BK: As a mom to elementary school-aged kids, I’m thinking ahead. What can parents of younger children do to foster the confidence and healthy coping skills that are greatly needed by graduation?
MT: First, there are many misconceptions about how to foster confidence in your children. It’s not about praising them a lot, or them winning trophies. Developing life skills is a great foundation for confidence and happiness. Effective parents help their children develop academic and social assertiveness, resilience, problem-solving skills, financial literacy, comfort with diversity, and a healthy perspective on issues related to sex, drugs and alcohol.