Parenting

Last year, the American College Health Association conducted an anonymous survey of over 26,000 college students in 40 colleges to evaluate their health and behavior. The concerns of many health professionals were borne out in the data: when mental health suffers, so does schoolwork. Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties and depression are among the leading factors that wreak havoc on academic performance.

Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties and depression are among the leading factors that wreak havoc on academic performance.

Parents do not always know when their college students are suffering

I’ve spent eighteen years counseling students in distress who end up leaving college and returning home in search of stability and support. I often hear their parents say:

“After he told me how depressed he was, I felt so guilty; I wish I had gone up to visit more.”

“$60,000 later, we had no idea she wasn’t going to classes.”

“We had no idea how depressed she was until she told us she was suicidal.”

“He always got his work done in high school. We were shocked to hear that he wasn’t going to classes. How could this have happened?”

“We didn’t know the depth of the issues until we found out he was on academic probation.”

When the students begin therapy with me, they often discuss how isolated they felt during their struggles at college. These feelings can lead to clinical depression, which can be very dangerous.

Why don’t students tell their parents when they are sinking emotionally and academically?

Surprisingly, even though the quality of the parent-teen relationship is often strong, the students’ sensitivities can get in the way of sharing their challenges.

Deb Cohen, a seasoned psychotherapist at the University of Delaware counseling center said, “It is rarely about lack of closeness. Many students don’t tell parents because they care about them worrying about them, also sometimes about judgment…will they think less of me?”

My experience with students bears that out. A local sophomore who returned home with depression and severe anxiety told me, “I could never disappoint my parents since they are supporting me with this great opportunity.”

Ironically, one of the biggest reasons students don’t share their difficulties is that their parents have always expressed pride in their accomplishments.

“They are afraid of losing that pride, and they can’t cope with the possibility that their parents may be disappointed,” Cohen said. Sometimes students don’t want to add to issues they feel their parents are already having at home, such as marriage, health, employment or other mental health issues in the family.

“It’s not that uncommon for mental health problems to run in families, and when one kid is struggling, a sibling can pick up directly or indirectly from parents how relieved and proud they are that they are doing better,” Cohen explained.

“And sometimes they feel like their unhappiness isn’t very important compared with the more profound problems a sibling has.”

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Downward spiraling can happen during the college transition

The reality is that the academic life and emotional life often become glued together. The worse students perform academically, the more anxious and depressed they can feel. The more anxious and depressed they feel, the deeper they can sink in academics. Or the social part of the experience may lead to depression and anxiety and this in turn may affect academics. In any case, it can be a spiral that is hard to face and climb out of without psychological guidance and academic support.

In addition, there is often stigma, embarrassment, and shame associated with emotional problems and academic failure that can accelerate the spiraling, particularly if students are too embarrassed to seek help. Some may not have historically talked with their parents about personal challenges.

They may have managed well themselves and/or sought advice and support from friends and others in their lives. Reaching out to parents when struggles arise at college may feel uncomfortable.

Even for students who communicated with their parents when living at home, it is so easy to “hide” from parents while away at college, not answering the phone or texting without revealing how they are doing. The longer the student hides, the more difficult it becomes to communicate with their parents.

How can parents help prevent or minimize the effects of spiraling?

1. Help your children have realistic expectations about the college experience, including the challenges they may face.
2. Become more informed through reading books written about the college experience and discussing their own transition to college with current college students can be helpful to  teens and their parents.
3. Normalize mental health issues, discussing anxiety, and depression, and learning about the professional resources that are available at the college they are attending.
4. Share challenges you had at college and how you worked through them.
5. Identify obstacles your teen has faced and how your teen was able to overcome them.
6. Discuss the importance of resiliency and talk openly about the inevitability of bumps in the road.
7. Learn about the difference between academic life in high school and college and become more realistic about what skills and demands are involved.
8. Reinforce MANY TIMES they can come to you about anything and you will listen and help them figure out solutions.

If you have a history of difficulty talking about emotional issues then it is crucial to begin a different style of communication this summer before they leave. Practice on issues that don’t have a huge impact, like concerns they might have about living with a roommate or which classes to choose, and always express confidence that they are capable of figuring it out.

Cohen also says parents and students need to understand that an A or B in college may reflect different things at different colleges and very different things from some high school classes.

It’s not always easy but parents need to listen without judgment, being careful about not saying anything  that make their student feel criticized. Try to stay calm and take a breather for yourself before you start the conversation.

If they have had support in high school, definitely replicate it in their freshman year.

A student’s fantasy of starting over, being a different person and no longer requiring extra support needs to be dealt with realistically. Explore counseling, tutoring, and coaching services together before beginning college if these were part of their high school experience.

Encouraging discussion on all these topics and becoming knowledgeable about college resources can make all the difference in the emotional, social, and academic transition.

The Jed foundation has a variety of excellent online resources, check out Set to Go, their transition guide.

For more information check out my post on the Huffington Post, and The College Corner FB page.

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Original Article Published at GrownandFlown.com

Open conversations about the holiday weekend, campus adjustment, and upcoming winter break can be valuable for the emerging adult and family.

Welcome to our special section, Thrive on Campus, devoted to covering the urgent issue of mental health among college and university students from all angles. If you are a college student, we invite you to apply to be an Editor-at-Large, or to simply contribute (please tag your pieces ThriveOnCampus). We welcome faculty, clinicians, and graduates to contribute as well. Read more here.

You can feel it. The excitement is in the air. Thanksgiving break is coming!  It’s the first long weekend of the college calendar when most students come home, especially freshman.

 “I am so excited to go home for Thanksgiving break,” said a Syracuse University freshman. “Not that I don’t love my school or my program but it has really been a while since I’ve been home, seen my dogs and enjoyed the natural dynamic of my family.”

Thanksgiving weekend conversations can give parents a sense of whether their college student has found his or her niche. The break is a good time to discuss possible transfers, and what to do on winter break.

This can be a highly emotional time for freshman. Their relationships with hometown friends and family are changing, and they arrive back nostalgic for the creature comforts they miss from home, and unsure how their experience of college will compare with their peers.  Plus,this tends to be one of the most intense times of the semester as projects are due and final exams draw near.

Often, parents are looking to spending precious time with their teen and talking to them about their year so far, while the freshman are focused on spending time with their friends.

A parent of two students at University of Texas learned a lot over the years since her first one started there:  “Since I’ve had a child in college for a few years, I’ve learned to lower my expectations for Thanksgiving. Neither my eldest (a senior) nor my youngest (a freshman) has been home this semester and I know that while they’ll be happy to see us, they will probably spend as much time as they can with their friends. And when they’re not doing that, they’re likely to be catching up on sleep.”

 Here are some insights on how to navigate expectations and rules in your household, as yours and theirs are often not lined up.

Students who have been enjoying their freedom, making decisions without the watchful eye of parents do not want to be treated like children anymore.  A freshman from Wesleyan University told me, “I love the independence of being a college student, and really being the sole person in charge of my life.”  She continued, “I feel as though I am now less of my “parents’ daughter” and more of my own person.” 

There’s often a contrast between how the college student and parents define adult behavior; the late hours partying and visiting, dishes in the sink, clothes sprawled through the house and sleeping in until the afternoon do not feel adult to the parents. 

And of course it’s difficult for the parents to return to worrying about a teen who has the car until the wee hours.

The U.T. parent:  “I can’t wait to have them both back home, but one thing I’m not looking forward to is their late nights out. I won’t wait up (because that bugs them) but I probably won’t really sleep until everyone is back home and in for the night.”

Dr. Margaret Brady-Amoon, Associate Professor, Department of Professional Psychology and Family Therapy at Seton Hall University, emphasized the importance of “respectful communication” as the family roles start changing. Discussing expectations of the visit, including those rules of the household which are non-negotiable, is extremely helpful to having a successful visit.  Often, compromises can be found through conversations about other aspects of the visit.

Many parents find their feelings are hurt by the lack of time they get to spend with their freshman on Thanksgiving break.

A mom, whose freshman son will be coming home from S.U.N.Y. Binghamton, says that her son has always been very respectful.  They have talked about some of his expectations, including shopping for more winter clothes, seeing his high school friends, and his mom making him schnitzel. She is very excited to see him, as he is,“miserably missed” by she and her husband.

The U.T. parent shares: ”We now know to talk about expectations and about what our plans are ahead of time. That way they can plan around the big dinner and any family events. But we also don’t plan too much…”

Transfer conversations

Thanksgiving break is a good time to discuss possible transfers. Sometimes, discussing transferring is a good barometer of a freshman’s adjustment process.

Young men can be less communicative than young women-this may be the first time since Parents Weekend that parents are hearing and seeing how their sons are doing.

Deb Cohen Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Delaware Counseling center shared: “For some freshmen, thoughts of Thanksgiving break have kept them going through the difficult weeks of trying to adjust to college.  They may come home eager to talk with you about their desire to transfer.  Alternatively, they may feel so stressed they can’t manage to make transfer plans now.  Follow their lead as much as you can, but do help them to keep application deadlines in mind.”

Freshmen tend to gauge their comfort and happiness at college against their friends from high school. Some freshmen have happily found their way at college, which of course is a great relief to parents. However, others have fluctuating levels of contentment.

If transferring comes up:

• Be supportive by hearing about their experiences and how they have tried to help themselves.
• Listen. Don’t jump in and criticize or give strong advice.
• Sometimes they need to release a lot of feelings that they have been holding in, and they may feel better after talking to you about it. 
• Ask how they think you could help them find their way.
• It’s crucial to understand that the amount of time varies for students to feel at home on the college terrain.

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Some students feel like a failure, thinking they made the wrong decision. In general, students of this generation have been raised with routine instant gratification. It can take a combination of persistence and patience, coupled with lonely times, to find their niche and nurture new friendships. The Wesleyan student recognizes this struggle: “I will admit that it has been a bit difficult socially finding ‘my people’ on campus. There are just so many people and so many things to do that it can be hard finding groups of people immediately. I know it takes time though, so I’m not too stressed.”

Loneliness is a very common experience in any transition. Please share my Thrive on Campus  article with your student.

As Harlan Cohen writes in his popular book, The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College:

Know why you’re transferring. Otherwise you might just transfer the problem to another campus because the problem might just be you.

The decision to leave college may initially seem to be about distance or separation issues, however for some students other factors may be more central.

Present the idea of revisiting the transfer conversation during winter break. One important thing to know about transferring is that academic success will give them better options. Gently encourage your teen to continue working on finding his or her way, and getting involved in activities they enjoy.

What to do over your winter vacation

Speaking of winter break, now is the time to talk about it.

Students go back to a ton of work in December, and then they find winter break has arrived and they have no plans. December is a particularly bad time to discuss with them via phone calls, texts, and e-mails because the students have so much academic work to focus on.

Communicate openly about the expectations for winter break on both sides in advance:

• How would they like to spend the time?
• What will work for you and work for them?
• Brainstorm together. Let your student come up with a plan that they are invested in whether it is by connecting with their previous employer, a favorite professor, alumni, friends or by networking.

Winter break is a terrific opportunity to explore experiences that will help build strengths, choose a major, aid in career direction or earn money. This can be achieved via many different avenues.

One is “shadowing” people who work in different careers to explore strengths, interests and careers.

They can also plant seeds for next summer’s job or internship.

They might also be happy to return to a high school job and earn some extra money over the break.

Original Article Published at ThriveGlobal.com