College with Confidence and Beyond

Maureen P. Tillman, L.C.S.W.

Parents

College Transition – Helping Your Graduate Make a Smooth Transition to College

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Maureen was featured in an article on Helping Your Graduate Make a Smooth Transition to College, written by  

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High school seniors are going to Prom, taking finals and getting ready to put on robes and caps to graduate. Soon after that, many will be packing their suitcases and getting ready to leave their homes for college. For most, it will begin a period of “firsts.” The first time on their own, the first time having a roommate, and (Gulp!) their first kegger. It can be scary and even scarier for parents.

Maureen P. Tillman, L.C.S.W., is the founder and director of College with Confidence, a comprehensive psychotherapy service, with offices in Maplewood and Morristown, that supports parents and young adults through the college experience. We recently spoke to her to get some advice for parents of soon to be graduates.

Barista Kids: Maureen, it’s graduation time!  Many parents are thinking about the upcoming transition to college. What are some ways parents can help their high school graduates before they launch?
Maureen Tillman: I would say keep it real.  Transitioning to college is not a magical experience.  It can be very challenging. Parents need to send the message to their kids that this is normal and that it’s important for to honestly communicate if they find themselves struggling.  When college students start sinking, they often feel that they can pull themselves up, and feel too ashamed to tell their parents about academic and personal problems (which often get glued together).

During the last two months before the launch, insist that he or she take care of everything that you might normally do:  making and keeping appointments, picking up medications, doing laundry, or making calls about college issues, no matter how busy you think they are!  If they struggle, role-play the situations. Talk realistically about any issues they are facing, whether it’s stress, anxiety, depression, or social anxiety, and about how they can help themselves at college. If they are being treated for any medical or psychiatric disorder or have learning disabilities, work on understanding all dimensions of the challenge and how to self-advocate. This can be difficult if your teen and you have trouble communicating or they brush you off.

If your son or daughter’s behavior concerns you, consult a mental health professional.

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BK: I understand that the service you created, College with Confidence, is a suicide prevention program.  What does that mean?
MT: Beginning ten years ago, an increasing number of college students who needed to leave college because of emotional issues, including suicidal attempts, have contacted me for counseling. Their parents were often confused by what had happened.  College students can sink into a depression very quickly and are at risk of committing suicide. My commitment to suicide prevention and expertise in transition preparation merged, and I created College with Confidence, a proactive counseling and consulting service for students, parents, physicians, schools, mental health providers, and college advisors.

BK: Why is going to college considered a transition that puts students at risk?
MT: In the blink of an eye, students no longer have the benefit of watchful parents, teachers, good friends and community ties. Many try to stop using the medications and supports they had at home. The experiences students have with roommates, teachers, advisors, and social environments differ tremendously. Also this is the age when a number of psychiatric disorders surface.

BK: How do you help students prepare for college in your practice?
MT: I am a psychotherapist with 35 years of experience, so I treat a range of concerns and diagnoses, the most common being anxiety, depression, stress, bi-polar disorder, and social anxiety.  Using a supportive and interactive style, I give students a range of effective coping tools, including cognitive-behavioral skills and mindfulness tools. I work collaboratively with college advisors, tutors, and essay coaches.  When college is about six months away, we plan ahead by setting up supports on campus. I follow through when they are on campus, by phone, Skype and sessions on their breaks.

BK: As a mom to elementary school-aged kids, I’m thinking ahead. What can parents of younger children do to foster the confidence and healthy coping skills that are greatly needed by graduation?
MT: First, there are many misconceptions about how to foster confidence in your children. It’s not about praising them a lot, or them winning trophies. Developing life skills is a great foundation for confidence and happiness. Effective parents help their children develop academic and social assertiveness, resilience, problem-solving skills, financial literacy, comfort with diversity, and a healthy perspective on issues related to sex, drugs and alcohol.

The Gift of Confident Decision Making

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Post published in Everything Summer Newsletter
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How do I monitor and support my teens’ emotional, academic, and social world and not be a helicopter parent?

Finding that balance of involvement and direction as a parent during the high school years is certainly a challenge!

In an ideal world, it’s best to empower teens to make their own decisions and experience the consequences. With the pressure of the competitive college application process, parents often feel overwhelmed.  Unfortunately, unless parents are mindful, it can be easy to act in counterproductive ways.

Confident decision-making is a true gift you can give your teen that will serve them well in their experience in the application process, in college, and over the course of their lifetime.

Parents, when you feel concerned about your son or daughter’s decisions or behaviors re: friends, academic decisions, weekend and summer plans and it is not a dangerous situation:

Take some deep breaths.  It’s best not to react right away to your strong emotions. When you feel calmer, hear how he/she sees the situation and what he/she wants to do. Ask your child to tell you about the pros and cons of the decision and potential consequences.  If you feel these answers don’t tell the whole story, schedule a time to talk again to discuss more details.

Articulate your concerns, but ultimately let him or her make the decision. Remember, it’s rare that one grade or experience will tarnish a high school resume.  Summer experiences present a great decision making opportunity. You child may be making decisions about potential jobs, experiences abroad, counselor experiences, volunteering, or internships.  Letting your student take the lead on what he/she wants to do during the summer is important.

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If your gut tells you that your teen is having serious issues with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, social issues, substance use, ongoing overwhelming feelings and stress or addictions, it is extremely important to reach out to a recommended mental health professional.  You have the opportunity NOW when your child is still in your orbit to get guidance and counseling.  If your teen is resistant to getting help, make an appointment for yourself for parenting guidance or advice on how best to bring your teen into the conversation.

A Season of Opportunities and Challenges

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Friends, clients, parents, professionals, and students:

Every season brings challenges for young adults and their parents. Hurricane Sandy provided us with more than our fair share. My thoughts and prayers go out to those severely impacted who are just beginning to rebuild their lives. However we are affected, events like Sandy compel us to lean on one another and gratefully take stock of what we have.

Fortunately, life goes on. In my office this fall I heard from high school seniors trying to juggle the demands of academics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and a social life while grappling with college applications; juniors who recently took their PSATs and now see college as an oncoming reality; college students overwhelmed by social issues, academic deadlines, and confusion over career goals; and recent college graduates discouraged by obstacles to personal and professional independence.

Young adults exhibit distress in different ways. They often describe physical problems like headaches, difficulty sleeping, irritability, and digestive issues. For others, stress manifests as anxiety or depression.

Parents may see their children struggle with transitions and wonder how to help. “How do I avoid helicopter parenting but still support, guide, and honor their perspectives and life goals?” “What does my child need most right now?” “Could either of us benefit from professional help?” These issues can be overwhelming, worrisome, and exhausting, but can also create the opportunity for growth.

Getting the support of a seasoned professional can make all the difference. As College with Confidence has developed over the last ten years, I’ve helped my clients navigate much more than the college launch. Depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, and social anxiety can create obstacles to emotional stability, successful relationships, and economic and emotional independence throughout these transitional years. In light of this reality, College With Confidence and Beyond has expanded its client group to serve college graduates moving into adulthood.

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You don’t have to face these challenges alone. If you would like meet for a consultation about a current or upcoming transition, please be in touch.

 

Best,

Maureen

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